Pelican Unveils New Rolling Case: Too Heavy to Fly, but Bulletproof in Case of Zombie Apocalypse

For those who need an indestructible case that they can't actually travel with

Las Vegas, NV — In a groundbreaking announcement at the National Association of Broadcasters (NAB) Show, Pelican introduced its latest innovation in portable protection: the Pelican Ultra-Secure Rolling Case, a feat of engineering so robust that it can't actually be flown anywhere.

"Indestructibility at its Heftiest"

The new case, weighing in at a staggering 35 pounds empty, leaves travelers with a mere 20 pounds of wiggle room for their gear if they plan to meet the standard airline luggage limit of 55 pounds. This is a slight improvement over their previous model, which came with the added feature of doubling as a functional dumbbell.

"We listened to our customers' complaints about the weight, and we responded," said Pelican's Chief of Overengineering, Dirk Rockhard. "By slightly reducing the weight, we've achieved the perfect balance of portability and indestructibility."

The Helicopter Incident: A Cautionary Tale

The case's specs were inspired by a near-catastrophic incident involving Pelican enthusiast and Idaho native, Chuck Boulder. "I dropped my case out of a helicopter while filming a nature documentary about rocks," Boulder recounted. "It survived the fall, but there was a tiny scuff mark. That's when I knew Pelican had to do better."

In response to Boulder’s life-altering experience, Pelican has reinforced the new model with triple-layered Kevlar, a titanium skeleton, and a patented "Zombie-Proof" seal. "Whether you're shooting in a war zone or simply paranoid about the undead, this case has you covered," Rockhard added.

The Unbreakable Myth

Despite the fact that no one has ever reported a Pelican case breaking under normal conditions, users have expressed a strong desire for even more protection. "It's not about whether it will break," said aspiring filmmaker and part-time conspiracy theorist, Lana Lensflare. "It's about the peace of mind knowing that if my case is ever hit by a meteor, my gear will be safe."

Future Innovations

In a bid to push the boundaries of innovation, Pelican is already working on a new model with integrated Wi-Fi and solar panels, ensuring that users can stream their survivalist vlogs even in the most remote corners of the Earth. "We're always looking to evolve," Rockhard said. "Our dream is to create a case so advanced, it can travel without you."

So if you're in the market for a rolling case that can withstand an apocalyptic event but can't be lifted into an overhead compartment, look no further than the Pelican Ultra-Secure Rolling Case. Just make sure to bring a forklift.